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Tuesday, 6 May 2014

Feeling Blue: Part 1

I can’t write today. I feel fatigued, fed up, dissatisfied with myself. I lack motivation. I resented being at work today, and I REALLY resent having to go back tomorrow. I feel rebellious, like I want to wreck something. Disgruntled thoughts permeate my mind. A fixed scowl is making my brows feel heavy. A headache is brewing. The corners of my mouth are downturned in distaste. I think of all the things I want to do, the freedoms I wish to have, the realities of being stuck in the rat race and I feel frustrated.

Small things have irritated me beyond the rational today – a negative comment here, a look there. The building oppressed me; stuck in the same room all day, there was a lack of air. This has not been helped by being alone again this evening. I have spent too much time in my own company, brooding, and this is the result. I am missing my boy and all diversions seem pointless. Television programmes are juvenile, books are dull. My mind is overly anxious about tomorrow’s potential events; stress levels are rising.

I have decided to write in the hope that this will cleanse me of my mental fug; that I will emerge, renewed, once I have purged the demons. What course to take? I could seek solace in food, in sugar; binge until I am beyond comfortable, totally sated, relying on the sugar high as an emotional prop. I could venture out, stomp the pavements until the black clouds subside. I could force myself into vigorous exercise, or to do jobs around the house. I know I need to move; sitting here mulling over the options will ensure lethargy sets in, and action becomes ever distant as dissatisfaction gets its claws into me.

I have options. Some of the paths are constructive, some destructive. My challenge is to use the healthy ones and avoid the unhealthy ones. How many of us rely on drugs to get us through the working day? Caffeine, nicotine, sugar, alcohol… sound familiar? My personal prop is sugar. I use my sugar hit to pick me up throughout the day, particularly at 3pm when my adrenalin drops after the students have left the building, and I have a real slump. I get fatigued and having eaten any food I brought to work with me by that point, start to forage for forbidden fruit... 

I do overeat, I know this. I overeat and crave sugar, or salt. Eating gives me an emotional rush, it comforts me when I have had enough of the working day. Particularly in this job, I find myself turning to fatty or sweet treats much more than previously. Something about getting stuck in to a bag of Haribo, or oversized “grab bag” of Hula Hoops (usually purchased from the garage on the way home) picks me up, albeit temporarily. Sadly, the crash always follows the high, and ultimately I know it will make things worse in the long-term (future blog - combatting the blues when your jeans no longer fit?!).

So what shall I do to process the day, without needing to numb my mind or do negative self-destructive things?

1. Exercise – doing exercise I enjoy is the key here. If I don’t love it, there’s no way I’ll do it. Following a dance class on Youtube or venturing out for a walk is always good. When I’m stressed I “stomp”, walking round and round the streets until my emotions die down. I’m going to stomp.

2. Writing – keeping a journal really helps. Keri Smith, author of “Wreck this Journal” has some amazingly creative tips for journal entries here. Writing is cathartic, particularly if thoughts are going round and round in your head as you lie there trying to sleep...

3. Listen to music – something uplifting and beautiful.

4. Doing something that feels worthwhile. For me that will be doing some domestic chores for my partner when he comes home from his night shift. I find this a real challenge when I am in these blue moods; doing this will really raise my self-esteem.

5. Doing something I’m good at. This will be writing this blog. I’m really proud of myself when I see that others have read my musings, and even shared them with others!

6. Doing something silly. I’ll get back to you….

Feedback coming in part 2!!

If you like what you have read, please share this blog and subscribe with your email! Many thanks, ChamomileTea xxx

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